I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
