If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
How's work?
Spinning.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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