You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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