woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
