just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
