My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
