Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You made out with two different species that night
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
