mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
