hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
