I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
