Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
how does that bad decision feel?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
