I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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