Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
