I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
