Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Randomize
