You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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