Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
