You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
