Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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