Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
