my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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