Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
