my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
