So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
