I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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