I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
