Are we in a gay sports bar?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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