The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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