Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We need a shit load of segways right now
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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