I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
