My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
