He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think I just sharted jello shots
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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