highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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