I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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