That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
