I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
