I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
