Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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