I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
