a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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