Soap is not a condiment
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
