Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
This is the high leading the old right now
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
