I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Everything about him screamed your future.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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