I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm experimenting with sincerity
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize