apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize