they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
