you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
