guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
