Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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