so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Rumble strips road head = magical
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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