Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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