I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I faked an abortion last night.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
