My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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