I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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