I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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