im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
