Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
