i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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